Sometimes it happens that a belief system that has long helped us make sense of ourselves and our world—that provided answers to the big questions in life—no longer works for us. We find ourselves unable to hold onto it, unable to keep believing or seeing the world in a particular way. It can feel like the rock we were building our house upon has turned out to be sand. Even though there may be some relief on letting go of something that has become increasingly difficult to hold, there’s also grief.
You may feel destabilized or disoriented.
Beliefs may be religious, philosophical, political, or a combination of these. Because a belief system offers an explanation of ourselves and our world, and because it connects us to others who share it, losing it can be profoundly destabilizing. We may lose a large part of our identity, our purpose and meaning, our community, our source of guidance and comfort. We may lose a job or vocation or status. We may face fear, misunderstanding, and harassment from those who still hold those beliefs, or even be shunned by them.
Sometimes—say in the loss of religious beliefs that promised an eternal afterlife—we must reorient ourselves to an entirely different sense of time and mortality. Life is suddenly way too short! We may regret time and resources spent in service of something we no longer believe in, or opportunities passed by.
It does get better. We eventually figure out the values that connect us and guide us. Initially, though, we may feel like we are navigating the world without a map, and we may feel frantic about finding a new map, a better map. We may look to other “ready-made” belief systems because the feeling of uncertainty is uncomfortable. We’re used to having a set of answers, and not having the answers feels scary.
What is helpful?
Practicing patience. Saying things like “For now, I can accept not knowing.” “I can take my time to heal, to be curious, to find my way.” Taking a breath and slowly exhaling, hand on your heart. It’s okay.
Tuning in to your feelings—to your body’s cues that something matters to you. Our feelings point to our values. The ache of loneliness points to a value of connection. The antsy feeling of boredom might be pointing to a value of adventure. Are your actions taking you toward or away from your values?
Moving toward values-based connection. Are you noticing values you still share with those whose belief system you no longer share? Maybe those values can sustain some connections. And how about values that might point you toward new avenues of connection?
Practicing self-care. This is a difficult transition that warrants attending to your physical and mental health, perhaps setting aside time to engage in therapy. Counseling can help you grieve your losses, reclaim parts of yourself that were taken or relinquished, regain a sense of your own power, grow in self-trust, and explore your values and ways to live out those values. A good counselor will not push a belief system on you, but will help you process what has happened and find a way forward to living your unique, meaningful, and satisfying life.
For family and friends:
If you are the friend or family member of someone who is going through this kind of transition, I also encourage you to try the “What’s helpful” tips above: practicing patience, tuning into your feelings, moving toward values-based connection, and practicing self-care, including engaging in therapy. A good counselor will offer support as you grieve and help you process your concerns, articulate your values, figure out how you want to respond to your loved one and, if needed, repair and nurture your connection.
This post was originally published by Newberg Counseling & Wellness.